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Sometimes hidden, sometimes suppressed, sometime masked, but always there.  What?

Anyone who suffers the affliction of  real depression will know what I mean.  To those who don’t suffer,  be joyful.

Sometimes my mind  sinks  into a turbulent mess of black viscous matter, out of that miasma, that slime, come visions from my past, visions not repeatable, visions I have never even communicated to my shrinks.

For many years I did a job I loved, yes LOVED,  that love made me excel  and the results were stupendous, were adrenaline fueled, were duty(!).  All in the past tense – WERE.  They are hideous thoughts,  memories, nightmares,  now.  They lurk and fester;  they wait their chance then explode and fragment my mind.  So sometimes I take myself off.  Sometimes I drink myself unconscious.  Sometimes  I contemplate more extreme  actions.  Sometimes I rely on more and more medication.   Sometimes, sometimes,  sometimes.

My gorgeous grand-daughter.  She is the lure to return, and for her I strive.

One day I am afraid I wont succeed.   The darkness gets greater, the sulfurous ooze in my head gets thicker and thicker.  It clings more tenaciously.  I fight to free myself.  One day I just wont bother or have the energy nor desire any more.

Rigging fresh telephone cabling didn’t take as long as I expected.  For once everything ran like clockwork.  I now have a fully synchronized router and reliable connectivity.  For the technically minded the problem was diagnosed as a ‘high open fault’ (eh?).

Fenlander down until further notice…..Connectivity problems.  Cable maintenance.

****

The bright full moon hung large in the eastern sky.  Stars like diamond points on black velvet dotted the  visible hemisphere.   The temperature plunged to -7.3*C.  All the time I was snugly warm in a Golite Adrenaline 20 sleeping bag, an Alpkit Hunka EL bivi bag and under a high slung Team IO tarp.

This is one thing  my backpacking is really about.   I like to relax and just feel the awesome strength of nature.  At first it takes some positive thinking  to face the total insignificance of  we puny humans, but exposure to nature as I experienced it this night and so many similar nights  soon makes acceptance simple.

I had set out over frost crunchy grass, out over my land and onto a coastal strip.  The moon’s reflection made the sea glint and shimmer.  It was relatively calm, as calm as the Wash ever really gets when moved by a full moon and easterly winds.  The cold was almost a physical thing, almost touchable,  almost solid.   Little moved this night.  Such animals as usually scurried about their nightly occupations were absent, the rustling of reeds was absent, the cries of geese, gulls and ducks was  absent.  There was only the sound of my breathing, steady and rhythmic, it echoed inside my head and brought calm.

Around midnight I arrived at my spot for the night.  Walking poles soon formed the end supports for the tarp,  my sleeping bag and bivi combination were quickly placed and I started my meths stove – a caldera cone on this occasion.  Soon 300 ml of water was boiling and I reconstituted a home-made dehydrated curry with rice in a freezer bag.  Another 300 ml made a brew of scalding tea (I had decided against  hot chocolate for this outing).  Just tea.  I take mine unsweetened and without milk, I like to leave the teabag in my mug so that the brew strengthens as I work my way through it.  By the time I had drunk the tea my curry was ready, still to hot to eat immediately from the bag and cosy.   While it cooled I had chance to make some notes.  Just some relaxed thoughts, nothing life changing or earth shattering, just mundane thoughts.  Sometimes I wonder what is the attraction of these short one night ambles.  I don’t really know, they just give me a feeling of  something, what I don’t know, or wont accept.   Maybe they just give me a chance to remember what once was.

I whiled away most of the dark hours with these thoughts.  Gradually, with a lightning of the eastern sky the temperature took a plunge.   The dark watches were over…I slept.

Click   HERE and select the sound to hear.

I refer to the Tawny Owl and the Barn Owl in my previous post.

Enjoy.

Night Prowl

Ok, so I’m NOT a prowler.

That established I should say that last night I did prowl – on my land.  I left the house about 2100 hrs and had time to walk some distance across salt flats before the high tide made further progress stupid.  I found a sheltered spot, rigged a simple lean-to wind break with a tarp, got the stove out (Bongo HN Deluxe) and had a brew of thick hot chocolate and then some spicy rice I had dehydrated last year.

Weather was strange.  There was an easterly breeze which was bitter, but there was also mist blown in from the Wash.  It was a thickish swirling mist that almost had solid substance.  It oozed over the land rather than drifted.  It seemed  alive, almost carnivorous.

There was an accompaniment of hoots and wails, the grumbling of flowing water and a shifting sensation as the land moved as the tidal inundation passed with the ebb and life began to settle a little before the next flooding.  The hoots and wails were generally owls (both Tawny – hoots- and Barn – wails and shrieks)

With the ebbing water the mist cleared, breeze increased to a wind; it was time to move on again and go east towards the sea defenses.  Behind these reinforced dunes I was hoping to find a few late geese but instead found ducks by the score.  They were a shifting mass of birdkind, unseen but chortling as they fed – almost another total entity made up of munching cells.

Finally I reached the shoreline and was able to see the flashes of light from buoys (inshore) and the more powerful sweep of the local lightships  (out in the Wash)

The offshore breeze brought with it the evocative scent of the coast- the fishy, rotting vegetation smells of the littoral tempered with the  sharp tang of salt and ozone.

Time now was 0130 hrs.  Time to pitch a quick shelter and simply chill out and wait.  Easy, a walking pole, 5′ x 8′ tarp and my blizzard bag and that was me settled.  A 3/4 pint of scalding hot tea and I relaxed to simply absorb  the night.

It’s an eerie feeling being out in this land at night.  The  distant lapping of waves  is a constant backdrop but the foreground is littered  with audible dross.  There are rustles and squeaks as small night creatures scurry furtively about their business with a wariness born of  generations of survival genes.  Then there are the raptors, those beasts of the night who have no fear, they are Gods of their land as they prowl and sift the scent of a constantly moving atmosphere which harbours fear and trepidation.  They pass silently in the dark and there is almost a communal sigh of relief from the now still, crouched lurkers.  Let no one say otherwise, nature is ongoing warfare, a constant battle between the hunters and the hunted.  Only occasionally does the balance change – when the noisy creature (man)- stumbles along.

I dozed away the next few hours, half in this world and half somewhere else.  Images moved about the landscape of my consciousness, whether the land ‘outside’ or whether the land ‘within’ my mind I don’t really know.  It was a tense but at the same time relaxing experience which I should do more often.  I had forgotten what it really feels like to prowl the margins between  reality and ‘other worlds’.

A lightening over the sea announced the loss of the mysterious dark.  A new day was in the making and I needed to move on.  I had had my night prowl.   Now I must return to the ‘real’ world.   How real was the night world though?   As always, I remembered,  lurking in the darkness has its own sense of reality.

Wind and Tide

Just back from about 4.5 hours walking.  Started in heavy damp mist which swirled and writhed as though driven by inner daemons.  No wind to speak of and whilst being damp it was not cold.

Not so now.  With an ebbing tide an easterly breeze developed into a small gale.  The mist and damp disappeared and bitter cold crept into fingers and toes and then further in.    The tide ebbed rapidly, as it does on the salt flats,  and gurgling,  choking noises emanate from the very spot where the next footstep lands.  Walking across a sponge would probably be about the same, but without the grumbling accompaniment.  Sometimes I feel that the land does not want me here, or if it does it’s for some sinister motive all its own.    Next tide will peak about 2030.  I may walk out about 1930 and listen and feel its presence.  It’s  some time since I did any night walking;  suddenly I feel the need to prowl, to hear, to feel, to experience, to live the  darkness.   Adrenaline rush!

There is a singular smell to waterlogged salt flat.   A cross between rotting vegetation,  crude oil – (not spillage from tankers, but seepage from shallow buried pockets) and a lingering scent of decaying fish.   While not sounding great it does have a certain attraction for me.  It is evocative of childhood and memories of warmth,  security and young joy and excitement.  Those times when everything was a new adventure; something sought  and cherished.   Ahhh!  The innocence of those days.

To add to the haunted land feeling there were flocks of gulls screaming like banshees and soaring, twisting and diving as I walked through a resting colony.   They take not kindly to intruders, especially human sized.

As I head home the wind continues to tear at my back and I feel a low-grade shivering setting up.   A spurt of speed increases the blood flow and the shivering subsides.  The kitchen with  its  heat smells beckons urgently.   A warm by the fire and a hot brew and I’m ready to write.

Finally I have resolved some issues with the YouTube upload system and can now present a video showing the latest ‘Bongo’ type stove from MiniBullDesign.

This is a straightforward wick type unit with a facility for refueling from a remote fuel bottle while the stove still burns.  It’s a neat concept and has less of a ‘faff’ factor than previous remote alcohol stoves from the same stable

You can read some of my initial comments  here and  here.

Now you can see it in action……………………….enjoy.

The canine species certainly know how to live life in the fast lane.  Just look here, ‘Jess doing her own thing’!

Click to enlarge and up to twice more for greater enlargement.

Ultralightenment

A well thought out and considered set of core values/principals in respect of ultralight backpacking.  This guy has experience and has put his points over extremely well.

Look  HERE

He also has a  Gear  Blog  HERE and would probably appreciate feedback.

I am ‘going away’ for a short period now.   Will catch you all later.

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